Imagine a child who studies hard, improves in a subject, and proudly shows a parent a better test score. The parent looks at the paper and says, “Why didn’t you get the highest mark? You can do better.”

Another child tries something difficult, makes progress, and receives little recognition because the result is not impressive enough. They begin to believe that small improvements do not count. Only winning, coming first, or achieving something extraordinary seems to earn approval.

Now imagine a child whose caregiver notices progress as well as results. The caregiver says, “You found that difficult at first, but you kept practising. What helped you improve?” The child is still encouraged to aim high, but learns to recognise effort, persistence, learning, and the courage to try again.

The difference is not whether children should be encouraged to achieve. It is whether they learn to value growth—or believe that only impressive results make them worthy of recognition.

1Understanding the Two Experiences

The difficult experience: “If it isn’t impressive, it doesn’t count.”

A child repeatedly receives messages such as:

• “Why did you get that mark when you could have got a higher one?”
• “Your sister did better than you.”
• “I don’t want to hear excuses. I want results.”
• “You should be grateful you passed, but don’t expect praise for it.”
• “You only did what you were supposed to do.”

Not every missed compliment is harmful. Parents cannot notice or celebrate every small achievement, and children need to develop motivation beyond praise.

The concern arises when meaningful effort is routinely overlooked, progress is treated as insignificant, or recognition is reserved almost exclusively for exceptional performance.

The child may stop noticing their own improvement and become preoccupied with what remains inadequate.

The protective experience: “Your progress matters, even when the result isn’t perfect.”

A caregiver notices effort, strategies, persistence, and improvement while maintaining appropriate expectations.

They might say:

• “You kept trying even when that was difficult.”
• “You made progress. What did you learn?”
• “You didn’t get the result you wanted, but let’s see what you can do differently next time.”
• “I noticed you asked for help instead of giving up.”
• “You should be proud of the progress you’ve made.”

The child learns to recognise their own development, respond constructively to setbacks, and appreciate achievements without needing every attempt to be exceptional.

An important distinction: Valuing effort does not mean praising every action regardless of its quality, pretending that poor results are excellent, or rewarding effort alone when a child needs a different strategy. Helpful encouragement is specific and honest. It recognises what the child did, what they learned, and what they can work on next.

2What Might the Child Learn?

When only major achievements receive recognition	When effort and progress are noticed
“Only exceptional results count.”	“Small steps can lead to meaningful growth.”
“If I am not the best, I have failed.”	“I can improve without being the best.”
“My effort means nothing if I don’t win.”	“I can learn from effort, feedback, and setbacks.”
“I should hide my mistakes.”	“Mistakes can show me what to practise.”
“Other people’s achievements reduce my value.”	“I can celebrate others and still value my progress.”
“I need someone else to tell me I’m doing well.”	“I can learn to recognise my own development.”

These are possible lessons, not inevitable outcomes. Children differ in temperament, interests, opportunities, and how they interpret feedback. Supportive relationships and later experiences can help reshape these beliefs.