Imagine a child who wants to join a school club, try a new sport, answer a question in class, or make friends with someone unfamiliar.

Before they even begin, they hear:

“What if you fail?”

“You know you are not good at these things.”

“Don’t embarrass yourself.”

Sometimes nobody says these words aloud. The child has simply learned that mistakes attract ridicule, unfamiliar situations are dangerous, and trying something new creates opportunities for criticism.

Over time, the child may stop volunteering, avoid unfamiliar experiences, or wait until they are certain they will succeed before attempting anything.

Now imagine a child who receives a different message. Their parent does not promise that everything will work out, and they do not remove every obstacle. Instead, they communicate:

“You can try. You might find it difficult, and you might make mistakes. I can help you think it through, and we can learn from what happens.”

The second child is not necessarily fearless. They are learning that fear can be present without having to make every decision for them.

This situation explores how childhood experiences can influence a person’s willingness to explore, take reasonable risks, tolerate uncertainty, and develop confidence through experience.

1Understanding the two experiences

The difficult experience: “It’s safer not to try.”

A child may grow up in an environment where unfamiliar experiences are discouraged, mistakes are treated as evidence of inadequacy, or attempts at independence are met with ridicule, excessive criticism, or frightening predictions.

They may hear:

• “You can’t do that.”
• “You’ll only embarrass yourself.”
• “Let me do it. You’ll spoil everything.”
• “What were you thinking? You should have known better.”
• “Don’t try things you aren’t good at.”

Sometimes the intention is protection. A parent may be worried about injury, disappointment, rejection, or the child’s future. But if warnings repeatedly become discouragement, the child may receive the message that the world is too dangerous to explore or that they are not capable of handling challenges.

Children can also become reluctant to try new things when adults take over every difficult task, compare their abilities with others, or respond harshly when they struggle.

The possible lesson: “I should avoid situations where I might fail, look foolish, or need help.”

The protective experience: “I can try, learn, and ask for help.”

In a more protective environment, parents take children’s safety seriously while allowing appropriate opportunities to explore, practise, and develop skills.

They may say:

• “Would you like to give it a try?”
• “You don’t have to be good at something the first time.”
• “What do you think might help?”
• “Let’s practise together, and then you can try it yourself.”
• “It’s okay to feel nervous. We can work out whether this is a safe risk.”

These parents do not force children into every unfamiliar situation or ignore genuine dangers. They adjust support to the child’s age, abilities, needs, and circumstances.

They also allow children to experience manageable frustration rather than immediately rescuing them from every difficulty.

The protective lesson: “I can prepare, try, make adjustments, and seek support when I need it.”

2What might the child learn?

When exploration feels unsafe	When exploration is supported
“If I fail, people will think less of me.”	“Failure can be part of learning.”
“I should only do things I already know how to do.”	“I can develop skills through practice.”
“Feeling afraid means I should stop.”	“Fear is information, and I can decide what to do with it.”
“Other people are more capable than I am.”	“People develop at different rates, and I can build my abilities.”
“I need someone else to do difficult things for me.”	“I can try independently and ask for help when appropriate.”
“If something goes wrong, I will not cope.”	“I can learn to respond to setbacks and seek support.”
“I must be certain before I begin.”	“I can take a thoughtful first step without knowing everything.”

These are possible learning patterns, not fixed outcomes. A child who experiences discouragement can still develop confidence through supportive relationships, new experiences, and opportunities to practise.