Imagine a child who loves drawing, enjoys asking questions and has a personality that differs from what their parents expected.

Perhaps the parent believes that drawing is a waste of time and insists the child should focus only on academic achievement. Maybe the child is naturally quiet in a family that values confidence and public speaking. Perhaps the child has different tastes, interests or opinions and repeatedly hears, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “In this family, we don’t behave that way.”

The child may gradually learn to hide the parts of themselves that attract criticism. They might become skilled at being who others want them to be while becoming less certain about who they are.

Now imagine a different experience. The parent still teaches values, sets boundaries and guides important decisions, but also shows curiosity about the child’s personality. They allow the child to explore interests, express age-appropriate opinions and discover strengths that may differ from their own.

The child learns: “My parents can guide me without requiring me to become a copy of them.”

The protective experience is not raising a child without boundaries. It is helping a child develop their own identity while remaining connected to their family and learning to respect others.

1Understanding the two experiences

The difficult experience: Growing up feeling that being yourself is unacceptable

The child may repeatedly experience:

• Having their interests dismissed because they do not match parental expectations.
• Being compared with siblings or other children who fit the family’s preferred image.
• Being pressured to adopt a particular personality, career ambition or way of expressing themselves.
• Being mocked or criticised for harmless differences in preferences, temperament or creativity.
• Learning that disagreement is interpreted as disrespect or disloyalty.
• Receiving approval mainly when they conform to the parent’s expectations.

The child may learn to suppress preferences, conceal parts of their personality or seek approval by becoming the person others want them to be.

The protective experience: Growing up with room to develop a healthy sense of self

The child experiences adults who:

• Show interest in the child’s unique strengths, interests and preferences.
• Allow age-appropriate choices and opportunities to explore.
• Distinguish harmless differences from behaviour that genuinely needs guidance.
• Explain family values without requiring the child to agree with every personal opinion.
• Encourage the child to express respectful disagreement.
• Offer guidance while allowing the child to develop their own identity over time.

The child gradually learns that belonging to a family does not require becoming identical to everyone in it.

An important distinction: Individuality does not mean that every preference must be accommodated or every choice approved. Parents remain responsible for safety, guidance and age-appropriate boundaries. The goal is to distinguish a child’s developing identity from behaviours that genuinely need correction.

2What might the child learn?

When individuality is discouraged	When individuality is supported
“I have to be who others want me to be.”	“I can be connected to others and still be myself.”
“My preferences are a problem.”	“My preferences matter, even when others differ.”
“Disagreement means I am disrespectful.”	“I can disagree respectfully.”
“I need approval before I know what I want.”	“I can explore my own interests and values.”
“Being different could cost me love or belonging.”	“Differences can be discussed without automatically threatening connection.”
“Other people know who I should become.”	“I can learn from others while developing my own judgement.”

These are possible lessons, not inevitable outcomes. Children can experience pressure to conform and still develop a strong identity through other supportive relationships and later life experiences.