Imagine a child who comes home from school looking upset. When a parent asks what happened, the child begins to cry.

“Stop crying! You’re too sensitive. Nothing has happened to you.”

The child wipes their face, swallows their words and walks away. Perhaps this happens so often that, eventually, the child stops trying to explain how they feel.

They may learn to smile when they are hurt, laugh when they are embarrassed or say “I’m fine” when they are struggling. They might become very good at appearing strong while finding it difficult to understand what is happening inside them.

Now imagine a different child who comes home upset. Their parent listens, acknowledges the feeling and helps them work through what happened. The child is not allowed to hurt someone because they are angry, but they are not shamed for experiencing anger.

Over time, this child learns that feelings can be uncomfortable without being dangerous, and that emotions can be expressed without controlling every action.

The difference is not whether children experience difficult emotions. All children do. The difference is whether they learn to fear their emotions or understand and manage them.

1Understanding the two experiences

The difficult experience: Emotional suppression

Emotional suppression becomes a concern when children repeatedly learn that certain feelings are unacceptable, embarrassing, dangerous or unwelcome.

It may look like:

• Being told that crying is weakness or that fear is cowardice.
• Being mocked for feeling hurt, jealous, worried or disappointed.
• Being punished for expressing emotions rather than guided in how to express them.
• Hearing messages such as “Big boys don’t cry” or “Girls should not get angry.”
• Being expected to remain cheerful or grateful regardless of how they feel.
• Learning to hide distress to avoid upsetting or angering adults.

A child may become quiet, compliant or outwardly tough while struggling to identify, express or manage emotions privately.

The protective experience: Healthy emotional expression and regulation

Children are allowed to experience feelings while learning appropriate ways to express and manage them.

It may look like:

• A parent acknowledging sadness, fear, frustration and disappointment.
• Helping children name what they feel and notice bodily signals.
• Teaching children to express anger without hitting, threatening or insulting others.
• Offering comfort before expecting a distressed child to reason through a problem.
• Showing children how adults calm themselves and repair difficult interactions.
• Making space for emotions while maintaining clear limits around harmful behaviour.

The child learns that feelings provide information, can be discussed safely and do not have to dictate behaviour.

An important distinction: Healthy emotional regulation does not mean expressing every feeling immediately, in every setting or without considering others. Sometimes we choose to pause, keep a feeling private or wait until a safe moment to talk. The difference is having that choice rather than feeling compelled to hide emotions because they are unacceptable.

2What might the child learn?

When emotions are repeatedly suppressed	When emotions are acknowledged and guided
“My feelings are a problem.”	“My feelings are part of being human.”
“I should hide it when I’m hurt.”	“I can express hurt in a safe and respectful way.”
“Anger makes me a bad person.”	“Anger is a feeling; what I do with it matters.”
“If I show sadness, people may reject me.”	“I can seek comfort and support when I need it.”
“I must handle everything alone.”	“I can develop coping skills and ask for help.”
“Strong people do not feel vulnerable.”	“Strength includes recognising feelings and responding thoughtfully.”

These are possible lessons rather than inevitable outcomes. Children may suppress emotions in one environment and express them freely in another. Supportive relationships and later learning can help them develop a healthier relationship with their feelings.