Imagine a child who brings home excellent grades. The adults around them are delighted, affectionate and proud. But when the same child performs poorly, makes a mistake or fails to meet expectations, the warmth disappears. They receive criticism, disappointment or comparisons with other children.

Over time, the child may begin to believe that being successful is not simply something to enjoy. It is the price they must pay to feel valued.

Now imagine a child whose parents celebrate achievements but also show interest in them when they struggle, fail or need help. The child is still expected to work hard and take responsibility, but their place in the family does not depend on winning, excelling or pleasing everyone.

The central distinction is this: Is achievement something the child is encouraged to pursue, or something the child feels they must deliver to deserve approval?

1Understanding the two experiences

The difficult experience: Approval depends on performance

Praise, affection, attention or respect may be closely tied to grades, awards, obedience, appearance, sporting success or meeting family expectations.

A child who performs well may be celebrated, while a child who struggles may be shamed, compared with siblings or treated as a disappointment. The child may learn to hide difficulties because failure threatens their sense of belonging.

The protective experience: The child is valued beyond achievement

Parents celebrate effort, progress and success while remaining emotionally available when things do not go well. They set expectations, encourage responsibility and help the child improve without making affection or respect conditional on results.

The child can gradually learn that achievement matters, but it does not determine their entire worth.

A parent can have high expectations without making approval conditional. The difference often lies in how the parent responds when the child falls short—and whether the relationship remains respectful and connected.

2What the child may learn

Repeated experiences can shape a child’s beliefs about success, failure and belonging. These are possible outcomes, not inevitable ones.

When approval feels conditional	When the child feels valued beyond achievement
“I am only as good as my latest result.”	“My results matter, but they do not define all of me.”
“I must make my family proud to be worthy.”	“I can work hard without having to prove my worth.”
“Failure makes me a disappointment.”	“Failure can teach me something useful.”
“Resting means I am being lazy.”	“Rest and recovery are part of a healthy life.”
“Other people’s approval tells me whether I am good enough.”	“I can value feedback without depending entirely on approval.”
“I must hide my struggles.”	“I can ask for help when I need it.”

Some children respond by becoming high achievers who rarely allow themselves to rest. Others become perfectionistic, avoid challenges where they might fail, or appear unmotivated because trying hard feels too risky.

A child may also become highly responsible for other people’s happiness, believing that being helpful, obedient or successful is the safest way to maintain connection.