Every adult carries a childhood with them. Not just memories, but lessons: about whether it is safe to speak, whether feelings are welcome, whether love has to be earned, and what happens when someone gets things wrong.

Most of these lessons were never taught out loud. Children absorb them from what happens around them, day after day. A child who is laughed at for crying may learn to hide their feelings. A child whose questions are welcomed may learn that curiosity is safe. Years later, those early lessons can still shape how we handle conflict, how we love, how we ask for help, and how we raise our own children.

The Stories Behind the Behaviours brings together 41 of these childhood experiences. Each one is set beside its healthier counterpart, so you can see both what may have been difficult and what supportive care can look like. The aim is not to label anyone or to find someone to blame. It is to help you understand where some of your reactions may come from, so that you have more choice about what you do next.

This book is written for two kinds of reader, and many people are both:

• Adults who want to make sense of patterns they notice in themselves, such as people-pleasing, fear of conflict, difficulty resting, or struggling to trust, and who want practical ways to respond differently.
• Parents and carers who want to give their children something steadier than what they may have received, without needing to be perfect.

Throughout the book you will notice the word may. That is deliberate. Children respond to similar experiences in very different ways, shaped by temperament, culture, other relationships, and the support available to them. Nothing here is a prediction. These are possibilities to consider, not conclusions about you or your family.

You may also notice that some themes appear in more than one situation. Criticism, control, emotional availability and repair overlap in real life, and each situation is written so that it can be read on its own. If a theme keeps coming up for you, that is useful to notice too.