Imagine a child struggling with a school assignment. They have tried several times, but they still do not understand what to do.

When they ask for help, the adult responds, “You should know this by now. Stop being lazy and figure it out yourself.”

Perhaps the child hears, “You are old enough to handle this,” whenever they express difficulty. Maybe their family praises them for being strong and independent but becomes impatient when they need comfort, guidance or assistance.

The child may gradually learn to struggle alone. They might hide their difficulties, pretend to understand things they do not understand or wait until a problem becomes overwhelming before telling anyone.

Now imagine a different experience. The parent encourages the child to try independently but remains available when the child reaches a limit.

The parent might say, “Have a go first. Tell me which part is difficult, and we’ll work through it together.”

The child learns that independence and support can exist together. They can make an effort, recognise when they need help and seek it without feeling ashamed.

The protective experience is not teaching a child to depend on others for everything. It is helping them develop both self-reliance and the confidence to seek support when they need it.

1Understanding the two experiences

The difficult experience: Growing up believing you must manage everything alone

The child may repeatedly experience:

• Having requests for help dismissed as laziness, weakness or incompetence.
• Being expected to handle responsibilities beyond their developmental capacity.
• Receiving criticism rather than guidance when they do not know how to do something.
• Being praised for never needing anything while their emotional needs go unnoticed.
• Being made to feel guilty for requiring time, attention or practical support.
• Having adults respond unpredictably, making it difficult to know whether asking for help will bring support or humiliation.

The child may conclude that needing assistance is embarrassing, that they must solve every problem alone or that other people cannot be relied upon.

The protective experience: Growing up knowing it is safe to seek support

The child experiences adults who:

• Encourage independent attempts while remaining available for guidance.
• Take requests for help seriously, even when the problem seems small.
• Teach skills instead of simply taking over or criticising.
• Respond to emotional distress with curiosity and appropriate reassurance.
• Help the child identify what they can manage alone and where support would be useful.
• Treat asking for help as a responsible choice rather than a character flaw.

The child gradually learns that being capable does not mean knowing everything, and that seeking support can be part of solving a problem well.

An important distinction: Children need opportunities to practise independence, tolerate manageable frustration and develop problem-solving skills. Immediately rescuing them from every difficulty can limit learning. The protective difference is that support is available when it is needed, rather than being withheld to force independence.

2What might the child learn?

When asking for help feels unsafe	When asking for help is supported
“I should already know how to do this.”	“I can learn things I do not know yet.”
“Needing help means I am weak.”	“Recognising when I need support is a strength.”
“I should hide my difficulties.”	“I can explain what is difficult and ask for guidance.”
“Other people will judge me if I struggle.”	“Safe people can help me without humiliating me.”
“I must handle everything myself.”	“I can take responsibility and accept appropriate support.”
“If I cannot manage alone, I have failed.”	“I can be capable and still need help sometimes.”

These are possible lessons rather than inevitable outcomes. Children may learn different ways of coping, and later relationships can help them develop a healthier balance between independence and support.